A Mind Full of Junk and A Heart Full of Truth

Chapter 1 – Am I Being Educated or Socialized?

My education. . . A quote would probably look pretty good right here. You know, to give an idea of who I am and how I relate to someone’s incites on life, but I don’t know if there is a quote in the entire world that could describe my experience through education. What a journey, but where to start? It seems like I have been engulfed in an overwhelmingly deep abyss of experiences that have thrown me for a ride into a new world. I have stepped out of the shadows and manipulated my education to create myself, to create Mark Anderson. Not the Mark who once lived day to day confused and scared, or the one that felt he didn’t fit into this world and was afraid of his own thoughts. Not the Mark who listened to the masses tell him that his ideas and emotions are “invalid and wrong”, but the Mark who has stepped into independence, the Mark who sees and creates change, the Mark who is not afraid to question and the Mark who strives for freedom and equality.
Hey, that first paragraph sounds pretty great, you know romantic and all but the process of getting to where I am now was a long road which was not always too appealing. It was not all bad, but there were definitely the bumps on the way that certainly changed my life.
It seemed like from day one I questioned what education was. I never understood the concept of educational systems and remember myself coming home from kindergarten wondering why the hell I was being put through this torture. It wasn’t until about fourth grade though that I started having real problems. I remember wondering how the information I was being taught applied to my life. I didn’t know the words to explain my feelings at this age, but my feelings pointed toward the understanding of socialization. I wasn’t gaining knowledge to become an independent, powerful human being; I was being taught to become another product of this society. You know, the whole go to college, get a job, and get a wife crap. Oh yeah, and pledge allegiance to the flag for god sakes! I didn’t fit this mold and my teacher’s did not approve. They sent me away, away to the principal’s office who told me to straighten up. I was ten and already being victimized for not fitting the norms this society has imprinted in educational systems. I knew something was wrong.
Then there was middle school: two years of nothing but confusion and trouble. I fit in though. It seemed like everyone hated school and just wanted to cause mischief, but I was different. The staff couldn’t figure me out. I did well in school, you know, good grades and all, but I was one of the biggest troublemakers. There was no explanation. They couldn’t just say I had ADHD, give me Ritalin, and than stick me into special Ed because I was passing their damn classes. I was turning in their work.
I remember having a rather funny connection with one of my teachers. She was a replacement for our math teacher who had a mental breakdown and had to discontinue his job. She hated me from day one. She thought I was useless and would send me to the office almost every class where I would again be told to straighten up. This continued for months until something happened.
During a study hall I had no homework to do so my teacher gave me a packet full of long drawn out math problems to keep me busy. Of course I didn’t want to complete the packet so instead I started to doodle all over it. She quickly noticed that I wasn’t doing my work so she came and snatched the packet away from me. She began to yell but then saw the art I was making and hushed her voice. She walked away and told me to see her after class. There were murmurs around the classroom, finding entertainment in witnessing another detention or write up, but I knew this was different. It was the tone of her voice. She wasn’t mad, she was curious.
I stayed after class and sat down in the seat parallel to my teacher. She was staring at me in silence. She finally spoke. She was curious. She asked why I had trouble in school and I explained to her I was bored and did not understand how any of the information given to me applied to my life. She stared back at my doodled packet and then asked me if I would help her with a project for the rest of the year. She explained that the school needed a new sign and wondered if I would be able to design and paint it. I quickly agreed, thinking she was a sucker for allowing me to do art instead of homework, but I came to the next class prepared. She set up a working space in the back of the classroom close to her desk and I stayed there for the remainder of the year. I got to know her a lot better during this time and even gained respect for her. I discovered that she didn’t appreciate students because of the grades they got, or the amount of work they did, she only wanted to see the students working and learning passionately. I didn’t see this because of the traditional blinders that were placed over my eyes at an early age, but it truly shifted my education. I never thought about education as another means to creativity. I never thought that I could find passion in what I was learning. I thought that education was being fed facts only to be tested on it. I never bought the whole “We are preparing you for life” but I never really thought there was an alternative. I finished the sign, but also gained a new understanding to the truth of education.
I made it to high school, but I had changed. I bought in to all the bullshit like, “This is when grades really matter, if you mess up here, you mess up your future.” I spent freshman year studying and making sure I passed my classes. It wasn’t too hard for me, but it definitely took an emotional toll. I had trouble finding meaning in the work I was doing, and felt more confused than ever.
During this time I started finding passion in political activism. I started spending time in downtown Denver at protests and discovering the city’s radical communities through projects and organizing meetings. It was a good outlet, but I was only able to commit myself to the community part-time because of the pressure my schoolwork put on me. I needed a change. I was trapped in a box and was aware of it, but just couldn’t find a way out. I started to slip deeper and deeper into this box until something happened that completely changed the track of both my education and my life.

Chapter 2- Trust: reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

Trust is one of the most important elements to a student teacher relationship. The lack of trust can be detrimental to a student’s ability to learn and express him/herself in a learning environment. After the experience I had at Clear Creek High School, I lost all trust in educational systems and went on a long, lonely journey searching for light to guide me to a productive educational lifestyle.
So what happened?
As I stumbled through high school I started to have an urge to bring my outside life of political activism inside the school. I felt this would make school more enjoyable, both so that I could express my opinions on different issues around the world and in the school, but also raise the level of awareness to create a more open, accepting, and safe learning environment. I mean this was Clear Creek High School, a school full of sheltered mountain kids that didn’t know what racism was, because there was a 99% white population in their home towns. They thought that issue was over in the 1970’s! Anyway. One of the major issues I saw within the school was the military involvement there. It seemed that almost every single day representatives from the military had a table during our lunch period, and handed out propaganda. Now this is pretty typical in any traditional high school, but I thought that if the military could hand out propaganda glorifying war and encouraging military involvement for students, there should be information on the other side of the spectrum. I got an idea.
I organized an event. I spoke with a woman who was born in Iraq and whose entire family still lived there. She had a different perspective on the war than the representatives from the military had. She had a great presentation where she shared what happened on the battlefield and the effect of the war on her hometown. She showed pictures and shared stories of her friends and family. It was very moving.
One of my teachers, several students, and I set up a school wide assembly where the woman spoke. The event was made to educate and then create dialogue about the issue. At the end of the presentation we were supposed to be given postcards with which we could write folks that live in Iraq about our reactions to the situations they were in. This never happened. We didn't make it through the assembly. Instead, the presenter was interrupted by a student who clapped and hollered when a picture was shown of a leveled city in Iraq. Some of the woman's family lived there. Of course the presenter was very offended and asked why the student was cheering. He argued his position on the war, and then got up and left along with a crowd of students. I was appalled. Why weren't they being told to sit down, or hold their opinions until an appropriate time to discuss it? Nothing happened. They just walked out. I tried to ignore it, but then something else happened. The principal joined in. He yelled from the back of the theater that the presentation was over and dismissed the students. I wanted to cry. It was surreal to me.
I immediately apologized to the heart broken presenter, and gave her a dreary bouquet of sympathetic flowers. She faked a smile and then left. I left also, but back into the hallways filled with angered students. I was harassed for the remainder of the day, but wrote it off with an insecure laugh and then went home. I came back the following day, praying that the students and staff had come to their senses and would apologize for their inappropriate behaviors. This didn't happen. I walked down the halls haunted by stares and snide comments. It didn't bother me too bad though. I still had friends, and the folks who harassed me I didn't really give a shit about. It wasn't until I noticed the way I was being treated by the staff that I started to feel unsure about my safety inside of the school. There were numerous occasions where staff members would turn their blind eye to harassment and threats and just go on with their own business. I couldn't believe it. I wondered whether or not they could be fired for this. It seemed ludicrous for me to see a teacher watch his or her own student being harassed, and turn the blind eye. I went to the principal. I told him about the worries of my safety inside of the building and pleaded for some sort of recognition of the state his school was under. He ignored it and told me that he was not aware of it, and quite frankly thought I was overreacting. I felt nauseous and went home early.
I didn't want to ever go back to school. I was scared and alone. I felt trapped in a dark hole. I had to go back though. I had to maintain my grades, right? So I went back. I lurched around the hallways, trying not to be noticed and hoping that all that had happened would be forgotten. During a passing period a friend approached me with a sad face on. He was holding a small, yellow slip of paper. He handed it to me and told me he thought I would want to see it. I looked down and quickly realized it was a memo that was given to the whole staff. The slip read, "Do not let Mark Anderson speak out in class." I put it in my pocket, walked to the bathroom, and cried.
I didn't know what to do. I lost all faith in the school I was attending. Not only was my voice not being heard, it was being shut. I fell into a deep state of depression. I showed my parents the slip I found, and they were dumbfounded. My dad met with the principal and shared his concerns for my safety. It didn't matter to me, though. Even if there were steps toward making my school environment safer, what had happened happened. My metaphorical prison had changed to reality. I was trapped in these cells with what felt like no freedom.
It changed me. I believed the staff when they told me my voice didn't matter, so I stopped talking. There was a month long period where I barely spoke at all in the walls of the school. I internalized all that had happened, and drifted into a deep dark cell where I couldn't find the light switch. I lost all passion in the work I was doing, and refused to take effort to create change in my life. I hated myself. I thought I was useless. I was afraid.
During this time the local newspapers had heard what had happened and wanted to interview me about my experience. I would get several calls a week asking about the situation I was in, but I refused to speak. I didn't want this catastrophe publicized, but it was, of course. There were close to thirty articles in a span of two months. There were arguments inside the newspapers as to whether or not the assembly was appropriate inside a high school. This was not easy to read. In fact, I still have not read most the articles. The climax of the media involvement was when News 9 (a major news station in Denver) called for an interview. I could not believe it and refused, but they showed up at my school (cameras and all) and interviewed students as they were leaving the parking lot. I wept.
Being at school remained incredibly uncomfortable and difficult. I remember one night I was assigned a ridiculous amount of math homework to do before the following day. I sat down to complete it, opened my book, and broke down. I threw my book across the room, burst into tears, and ran to my room. My mom didn’t know what happened, and followed me, trying to give me support. She asked what was going on, and I explained that I never wanted to go to school again. I was going to drop out. I didn’t care what happened to me. I didn't care about my life. It was the closest to death I have ever been.
How could this happen? How could a school affect me to this degree? This was the place where I was supposed to express and create a genuine self. What was wrong? Was I a failure? Should I have felt the way I felt for not fitting into the system that was set? Should I have killed myself? I mean, if I don’t get good grades, go to college, get a job, and make money, I'm a failure, right?
WRONG!
It's wrong for someone to set standards and evaluate the way I live my life! It's wrong to give me a list of options for a future! It's wrong to punish me for dreaming of something unique! I wanted to step outside the social norms and create a life that was creative and comfortable, a life of love, a life of freedom and happiness. I realized that the track I was taking to get there was going the wrong direction, so I jumped off that train. I fell into the middle of a maze where I was confused and lonely. I spent months crawling around looking for a way to the next section of the maze. I finally found a doorway. That doorway was Jefferson County Open School.

Chapter 3 – A New Beginning

After three months of questioning my involvement in educational systems, the idea of changing schools did not seem too appealing. Jefferson County Open School was a school I had heard of years before through friends who had attended. All I had heard was great, but I was still unsure whether or not I would be able to succeed and stay healthy there. I didn't know whether any educational system would fit my needs because I didn't know what my needs were at the time. All I knew was that I did not feel comfortable in school.
I decided to take the risk and apply to the school. I wrote a letter explaining the position I was in at Clear Creek and asked if they would accept me to be a student in their community. I was accepted, and switched in at semester my sophomore year.
I was scared. I was still extremely depressed and lost a lot of my social skills. I was told immediately after being accepted that to learn more about the school, and to transition into the learning environment, I would be taking a Winter Wilderness Trip with some folks from the school. I didn't know what to think. I was really nervous and insecure about not only meeting new people, but also going on a camping trip with them. I didn't want to go.
I went anyway. I decided that I needed to. Even though I was scared, I could get through a couple days of camping. So I jumped in the vans and headed into the mountains.
The trip changed me. I reconnected to myself and to nature. I took a lot of time by myself while camping. I would go on solo hikes and sometimes just lay in the snow with my thoughts. I was amazed at how good I felt. It felt like I found a long lost lover and that lover was the forest around me. It had been years since I had found the comfort in the trees, and the sky, and the snow. I remember one of the hikes I took. I came upon a large plateau with no trees where I could see for miles and miles ahead of me. I could see the towering mountains to the north and the glistening snow stuck to the bill of my hat slowly melting into droplets and falling down. It was beautiful. I collapsed and cried. I cried for all I had held in, all I was afraid of, all of my insecurities. I cried for the teachers at Clear Creek. It was one of the greatest forms of empowerment I could have imagined. I stepped out of the shadows, and felt prepared for the future that was ahead of me.
After three days we returned home. I felt refreshed. I came home with some new friends and a new appreciation for my life. I was ready to start at Jefferson County Open School. I was ready to try something new.
So I went to school. The first few weeks were weird. You know, new faces and awkward social situations. It was the first experience where I was the new kid, but it wasn't that bad. I made some friends and kind of felt comfortable in the walls of the school. I even went on a trip. It was the Winter Hut Trip, which was incredible. I made some of the best friends I have ever had on this trip. It gets me choked up to think about it because it was so meaningful and important to me at this time. I was still dealing with what had happened at Clear Creek and felt a little lonely at Open School, but the connections I made with folks on the trip changed me. There were some of the most unique individuals who supported who I was. I came home after five days spent on the top of a mountain, but continued the friendships I made on the trip. I will never forget that trip.
I floated through the rest of the year problem free. I built a schedule and fell into routine easily, but shortly after realized that routine was not what I needed. I needed time to myself. I started to have uncomfortable feelings towards routine and schedules, and started to resist them. I felt resistance to go to school again, but luckily summer was right around the corner.
Chapter 4 – The Summer of New Hope
Summer started and I was back in the mountains of Evergreen, living with my parents. I made my way to Denver every once in a while for either a show or a project, but I needed more. I needed to be surrounded by activity and passion. I started to fall back into a depressed state. I realized that my semester at Open School was a big distraction from accepting and processing the emotions that were haunting me after my experience at Clear Creek. I needed to confront these emotions. I didn't want to though. The thought was too scary. It was really hard for me at the beginning of the summer because I was trapped in the mountains with no friends but the ones from Clear Creek. Not to say all of them were bad friends, but the dynamics around anything that came from Clear Creek at this time was very sensitive to me. All of the friends I felt close to and comfortable with were in Denver. I had to get out.
I started spending time at a performance show space called Le Crunk where a few of my friends lived. I felt comfortable there and got the crazy idea to move in. It was farfetched, but I felt like it would be a great move for me. I needed to get out of the mountains. I talked to my parents about it. At first they didn't understand and were hesitant about letting me go, but I firmly explained to them my reasoning. They were supportive. It was hard for them, but they understood my intentions were not to leave them, but to get away from the environment that was around me. So I moved.
It was the beginning of July when I moved in. I lived in a closet in the basement and paid 150 dollars a month for rent. The first few weeks there were really hard. I felt like I had rushed the decision to move and felt homesick. It was only temporary though. Once my moving blues were over, I started to be productive in the Denver community. It was so exciting. There were no more long bus rides to different shows, or community projects and then scrounging for a couch to sleep on. I had my own room in the city. I took advantage of it and had a blast the rest of the summer. I went to a lot of shows and got really interested in the Do It Yourself music community in Denver. I started making my own music with a friend and set up and played shows around Denver (Read Career Passage). I quickly remembered how important music was to me. It had been a couple years since I played in a band, so the impact it had on me was forgotten. It was such an amazing outlet to release my emotions in a productive and healthy way, and I used my house as a tool for this. I set up shows at my house, which my band would play at, along with several others. They went great and were very fun.

Also during this time I started shifting my life to create social change. It struck fast as an important aspect to my life, and I found a passion in radical ideas immediately. I started becoming involved in different radical groups around Denver and helped with different projects. I started bottom lining the cooking for Food Not Borders (see unique JCOS experiences) and opened up the kitchen in my house for the project. I loved what I was doing and started to become very educated on different social issues regarding racism, classism, sexism, homophobia, gender, ageism etc. I spent a lot of my time reading. I read mainly zines and articles about social issues, and educated myself privilege and how I fit into the problem. I realized the importance of recognizing my own privilege, and how disregarding it can be very destructive when trying to create change. I applied what I had learned to my life and started to be aware of different power dynamics present in relationships I had built with friends and loved ones. The recognition of this helped me build healthier friendships and brought me a lot closer to the ones I loved. I started creating a great group of friends and made an appreciation for community.
Community. What a beautiful word. At this time I had never really had an understanding of what community meant. Sure I grew up in an amazingly supportive family, but I didn't realize how lucky I was until the summer I lived at Le Crunk. Now Le Crunk was not a community, it was just some folks living together and enjoying their lives. There was no real intention behind the space. After being involved in the radical community of Denver for only two months I started to realize how powerful community could be and that I wanted to surround myself with it. I got the idea to live in and create a collective house. A house where there were mutual ideas and intentions, and a birthing place for productivity, creativity, and change.

Chapter 5- Back to School . . .?

The summer was ending and school was around the corner. I was scared. I went through the summer and almost forgot that I was still in high school. I started to forget about the experience at Clear Creek, but once the "Back to School" billboards went up I was surrounded in the educational construct again. I didn’t want to go back. I wasn't ready. I had a great summer, but I still never really processed or thought about what had happened at Clear Creek. I fell back into depression and was terrified of returning to a school. I fell far. I was deep in depression and thought that there was no way out. Only a couple weeks before school started I had a breakdown. My mind had taken me over and I lost it. I was emotionally crushed and felt like a ton of bricks were dropped on my heart. It took my breath away. I started losing my mind and even hallucinated. Something was not right, and I knew that school was not a healthy choice for me. I needed an alternative. So I called my advisor and told her I would not be attending school the first quarter. I wondered whether this would be ok, but would not take “no” for an answer. My hope was to stay enrolled in school, but not attend, but if that wasn't an option I was ready to drop out. I explained my reasoning and then waited for a response. To my surprise, she said it was fine. All she wanted me to do was transcribe what I was doing and create a list of intentions, so that she would know I was being productive. So that was that. I didn't return to school.
At first I didn't really know what I was doing with my time off school. I said that I was spending time in the communities around me and working in numerous projects, which focused on giving food to those who may not have it, which I was, but that wasn't the focus. I knew this time was meant for me to process the experience that had happened the previous year, and become emotionally stable again. I needed to accept the hole I was in, but find the ladder to get out, and if I couldn't find it I would build it. I spent weeks thinking about what had happened and making up solutions to deal with my depression, but it wasn't genuine. I would constantly tell myself I felt better, but knew that deep inside there was a piece of me still stuck in the hole. It was like I was creating equations to deal with the emotions I had. I started to realize the imprint that traditional educational systems had on me. Not only was I created into some machine that used equations to know why the world spins, or why the sky is blue, or why what goes up must come down, I also tried to apply these methods to understand my feelings! What a joke! How can you create an equation to understand who you are? I panicked. I returned to the thoughts I had way back in the fourth grade, but this time it made sense. The information I was being given through my education did NOT apply to my life. I was being socialized into understanding someone else's ideas on how the world works and how to fit into the world around me. I mean, sure, knowing science and math were important sometimes, and English or other language classes helped me communicate, but where were the classes on how to deal with depression, or how to create a unique self. I freaked out. I didn’t know what to think about this realization. Sure it was empowering, but it made me feel lost. I don't regret it though.
I took a break from thinking about that stuff, and started engulfing myself in activities that made me happy. I continued working on projects, but also found that a great outlet for my emotions was music. I was already in the band The Fainting Fansies, but started becoming more involved in writing songs and playing shows (see Career Passage).

Shows were great. Because of our acoustic pop/punk sound, kids would dance hard, but had to be as close to us as possible to hear the music. We played tons of shows, mainly around Denver and started to get a name for ourselves. We played with some bands that were from out of town and very influential to us, and started to get recognized nationally. I really started feeling productive and saw a future in music. I loved how we incorporated our ideals of social change and resistance into our music through lyrics and our lifestyle. We recorded all of our music, set up all of our own shows, and focused on community when we played. Instead of playing on stage in front of a bunch of invisible faces, we played on the floor and danced with the crowd. Our music and ideals fit in well with the DIY (Do It Yourself) national music community and we made many connections and friendships with similar artists.
After dozens of letters, phone calls, and emails from people around the country asking if we would play in their cities, we decided to plan a Midwest tour (see Trips), so we could meet more friends and share our music with a larger group of people. We called friends from around the country and got contacts to local venues, houses, and collectives in the Mid West. We got a vehicle, made tons of merchandise (CDs, t-shirts, patches, etc.) and hit the road. We made plans to play in 7 different cities, but in the end only made it to Lincoln, Nebraska, Kansas City, Missouri, Nashville, Tennessee, and Bloomington, Indiana. The tour was incredible. We met so many amazing people on the way and were able to distribute our music to a larger group of people. We decided to make the prices of our merchandise donation-based, and if people didn't have money but wanted a CD, they could take it only if they promised to burn five copies and give them to their friends. This method worked great and we were easily able to get from city to city with the money we earned.
I got back from tour and the first quarter was already coming to an end. Surprisingly, I was ready to go back to school. I wasn't ready to deal with my emotions about education, but I kind of missed the Open School environment. Around this time I also moved out of Le Crunk because of issues we had with the landlord. He didn't want any seventeen year olds living in his house, so I got the boot. I moved back in with my parents, but started taking action in pursuing my passion towards collective living. I contacted a group of my friends who I thought would be interested in the idea, and we started meeting to share our intentions of what a collective would look like to us. The meetings were great and our intentions blended well together, so we started taking the initiative to find a space to live in (see Practical Skills Passage), but in the meantime, I moved back with my family.

Chapter 6 – A Life of Resistance

So I was back at home and back in school. It felt all right though. I was emotionally stable. Okay, maybe not stable, but I was better than I was at the beginning of the year. School went well for a while though. I structured my classes so that I was only learning what I wanted to learn. A lot of my classes focused on social issues around the world and the history of our country. I kind of floated through the process. I didn't really want to think about what I was doing, so I stayed in classes that were easy and fun for me. It wasn't a bad decision, but I recognize that I was covering up my emotions. I wasn’t analyzing them to figure out how I could step above them, but instead covering them in an educational blanket.
It's interesting to look back on how I was at this time. It was so hard for me to make connections with people, and I always felt a little awkward. This was all new to me. I had never been socially awkward. I remember only a year earlier being a social butterfly. I had tons of friends and felt comfortable in my skin, but because of the trauma I dealt with at Clear Creek, I lost trust in most people. Now I did have a few very close friends at Open School who made me feel comfortable and happy, but during school hours, I dealt with extreme anxiety and insecurity. I had no trust in the staff, and couldn't really get past knee-deep conversation with anybody. It was really hard for me because I understood the ideals of trust that put the Open School together, but I just couldn't share anything about my life with the staff or my peers. I felt too vulnerable and did not want to get hurt again. I started to see this though. I understood that my insecurities were valid, but it would be beneficial for me to grow from them.
I tried. I started making connections with teachers and shared a little bit of who I was with them. I used passages as a means to connect with different teachers and proposed my Creativity and Career passages. It was hard. I felt nervous, but knew that it was beneficial. I knew that I needed to take these steps. I wanted to create the Mark that I used to be, the one that loved talking to people and built trustworthy relationships. I knew it would be a lot of work, but I decided to try.
So I got through the next couple of quarters. I made better connections with the teachers and the students and started to feel comfortable as a part of the Open School community. It was weird because subconsciously I started to understand who I was, and what my ideas were of education during this time. I started to realize my dislike of being told facts and being expected to believe them. Now, I am not meaning to say I didn't think the history I was being taught did not happen, but I wondered who wrote it. Was it a witness of the event, or was it someone documenting what they had heard. It was hard because I would always leave class confused as to what I had learned, and whether the information was valid to my everyday life. Also I wondered if subjects were used as some sort of weapon. I wondered if they taught us science and mathematics so that we would understand why and how everything in the world worked and with that knowledge be able to control it. I saw an everlasting pattern of information used as control, control of humans as well as the planet. It sparked a new meaning for my lifestyle. I understood dynamics that were set in place in our nation. The correlation of education and oppression tied together. I saw how education was being used as a weapon and a means of control. I thought of the founders of our country and what our country was built off of: inequality. From Christopher Columbus and the genocide of the natives, to the invention of race and class through slavery. I was being taught their history and their theories, the ones who had created this system to which I’m opposed. Luckily I was at Open School and had a choice as to whether or not I wanted to be a part of these classes, but I was angry towards the traditional educational systems, which did not allow the students to question what they were being taught. I urged for students to become human beings, not false encyclopedias.
I was angry, but it felt good. I understood that holding this anger wouldn’t be productive to create change in my educational lifestyle, but anger was the only emotion I could feel at the time. It was the first true emotion I had shown towards school in over a year. It was a sense of pride, which I was lacking for so long. I felt great. It motivated me and made me confident, especially outside of school. A new passion for life was blossoming that I had not felt for so long. I could see a little bit of light at the end of a never-ending tunnel. I felt good.
Luckily during this time I had an outlet to release this anger productively. I was still a part of the creation of the new collective, and started to incorporate my ideas on education into my intentions of the house. I explained my desire for a home where there was no pressured teaching, but there was support to experience life and live happily. To live and learn what your purpose is on this planet. I was lucky. I was supported with these ideas.
It had been a few months of meetings and building of intentions, and we had gone through numerous spaces in search of a comfortable environment to live in. Finally we found a gigantic house that could fit the eleven of us and moved in. It was February. The house felt great. Well okay, it was pretty trashed, but it worked for us. We had to clean a lot, but the environment was supportive, and we knew it would be a birthing place for our intentions. We named our collective the Pitchfork (see Passages).
So the third quarter was ending and I made the decision to take the quarter away from school and focus on where I was physically and emotionally. I spent most of my time working in my house. A lot of the work I did was based around community projects like Food not Borders (which was now headquartered at Pitchfork) and Food not Bombs (see unique JCOS experience). We also started to construct a garden, so that we could sustain ourselves off of the food we grew. We turned a yard that was destroyed when we moved in, into a beautiful, healthy, and nourishing garden. We learned about perma-culture and different ways to recycle water to water the plants. It was therapeutic and exciting to get my hands in the dirt and watch a garden blossom into life.

Through these projects I made a lot of new friends, and felt pride in my lifestyle. It felt so good sharing food, and I felt the importance of food in activism. I realized that food was such a good input into someone’s life and a great way to build community. I started to drop the name activist though. This was not part-time anymore. I was living a life of resistance, and thought of every action as change. I wanted to live change instead of make it some sort of weekend commitment. I saw no other way. It all made sense to me, especially because of the amount I was reading. I buried myself with books and zines about political and social issues, and had a great analysis for all the problems in the world. I was angered. I didn’t shelter my beliefs anymore and felt proud for my thoughts. I was not afraid of retaliation like there was at Clear Creek. It was healing especially because I had a community around me, which supported my ideals and emotions. I felt invincible.
I didn’t see it at the time, but I was building my life under more ideals. I created ideals about how the society I was living in prevented me from living a life of creativity and passion. But it all looked like some other equation. The equation ended with an understanding of a society built off of slavery and genocide, which formed into a mass of unequal robots working blindly to enable the machine to feed us lies to obey their order. This order allowed privileged individuals to thrive, while less privileged individuals suffered. This is metaphorically speaking of course, but it is the best explanation I can give to explain the state civilization has put us in. I understood that this was both true and unfair, and tied these ideals into explanations of race, class, gender, sex, sexuality, status etc. This gave me a sense of liberation. I was “educated.” But I would soon learn that this was just another equation.

Chapter 7 – Welcome to the Machine

The year was coming to an end. I had fully immersed myself into the radical community of Denver, and based my life off of the ideals and lifestyles that surrounded me. I read more zines and political propaganda during this time than I ever had, and felt more educated about the world around me. I was still angered, but validated it. The anger took its toll on me though. I was exhausted all the time, and also started to feel a little scared. I had submerged myself so deep into political ideas that I felt hopeless against the system to which I was opposed.
I remember reading a book called Welcome to the Machine by Derrick Jensen. The book discussed technological advancement, and focused on nano-technology. It showed how the police force and our government were using these advances as means of surveillance and security. They talked about machines that could send miniature sound waves hundreds of yards so that it would pierce an individual’s eardrum and that individual would be the only one to hear what was being said (the voices in some folks heads may be real). It also talked about suits that police were being given which would deflect light and heat, so police would be able to be invisible and deflect bullets, or microscopic cameras and recorders which were implanted into rats’ brains so they could use the rats for surveillance. They also were able to control the rats with another chip, which sent commands to the brain and if the rat obeyed, it felt good, if it didn’t, it felt bad. The scariest part of the book for me though was when he explained a computer chip that was smaller than the width of your hair that would be implanted into your brain, which would allow you to update yourself from a computer. An example given was language. If you wanted to learn a language, you would download it from a computer to your brain. Also you could download feelings so that you would truly be living in a virtual reality.
I couldn’t take it. It made me panic and go into a state of sheer paranoia. My metaphor of humans being socialized into robots was coming true. They already were doing it to rats and estimated that in the next ten years it would be available for humans. I started having extreme panic attacks and felt myself slipping back into a terrible state of depression that I may not have been able to get out of. It was really hard living in the city at this time, because every time I would walk down the street I wouldn’t recognize the friendly faces around me, I would notice the surveillance cameras above entrances. I couldn’t stand being watched, and started to be aware of my every movement, thinking that everything I did could be against the law. I was paranoid about living in a collective where there were recognized anarchist organizations meeting. Above all though, I was worried that the world that surrounded me would deteriorate. I saw the apocalypse through our own technological advancements. If we were creating a virtual world, how the hell would be aware of our surroundings. If we were already dealing with problems like global warming, and having natural resources disappear before our eyes, the process would be much quicker if we were literally blinded by it. I could see it all collapse in front of me, and I was terrified. I couldn’t really find any meaning in living because I was so scared to watch the world crumble around me. I felt extremely alone and for some reason, I started to lose pride and appreciation for the life I had already lived. I thought about the patterns of depression and hardship I had gone through from a very early age, and questioned whether it would ever end. I was on the edge of giving up.
I needed to get out of the city. I was being called to the forest, but for some reason I was having such a hard time committing to actually getting out. I was too busy. Luckily I had signed up for Boundary Waters trip class, and it was almost time to leave. So I survived another few weeks, and took off across the country on a trip that truly saved my life.

Chapter 8 – The Boundary Waters

I woke up the in the morning to leave for the Boundary Waters trip, but had no idea what to expect. I felt like I was losing my mind, still wrapped up in paranoia of a technological apocalypse and the thought of spending three days on a bus was not the most exciting thought. We left in the morning, and drove, and drove, and kept driving all the way to Minnesota. Now I won’t go into detail, but sitting on a bus for three days was very difficult for me, but we arrived in northern Minnesota, and I was finally able to breath. We got things prepared to hit the lakes the next morning and then went to sleep. We woke early the following morning and began to paddle, knowing that our final destination was close to twenty miles away.
Almost immediately after I dipped my paddle into the clear waters of the lakes, I felt a knot unravel in my chest. I remember watching the water slowly drip from my paddle, and form crystals that slowly sank back into the cold dark waters. I was surrounded and caught in the beauty of things. We accomplished a few portages, and than arrived in lakes that were only permitted to non-motorized boats, so the water was very clean. I was able to dip my head in the water, and drink straight from the lakes. What an incredible feeling. The water acted as a serum, and cleared the thoughts that were haunting my mind and spirit. I could breath. I could laugh. I felt good.
It took us two whole days to arrive to our base camp. We paddled through some of the most beautiful lakes and forests I have ever seen, and every moment seemed like it could last forever. It was a strenuous two days filled with nothing but paddling, but the feeling of exhaustion was nothing but comforting. Once we reached the base camp we quickly set up our tents and than cooked a meal together. The next couple days were nothing but fun, full of adventures, conversation, and jokes. The time quickly came though for our solo’s and I was nervous.

As a part of this trip, we were required to take a two-night, three-day solo. We picked our solo spots, and had to build a shelter, in which we would stay alone. I was nervous, but a bit excited also. It was funny, because I recognized that I had never in my whole life been completely alone for that amount of time. I had no idea what to expect, but I was preparing myself for the worst. The night before I couldn’t sleep. I was too caught up with my emotions, but got up the next morning, gathered my things, and got into a canoe. I was dropped off at my spot, and watched my friends paddle away slowly. I stood motionless for what seemed like an hour, and started to laugh. I laughed, and laughed, and then ran into the thick forest to find a spot to build a shelter. I quickly put together a somewhat livable place to rest and then sat. I sat and thought. I thought of what to think. I knew that the solo was a time to reflect, but I quickly realized that I couldn’t force reflection. It frustrated me. I wanted to have breakthroughs on this solo, but I was trying to make equations to accomplish this. I decided to go on a walk, where I met a very important friend.
I walked around the surrounding forests aimlessly for a few hours. I climbed a cliff face that overlooked a small lonely lake. It was beautiful. As I was walking back to my camp, I saw a squirrel eating some pinecones on a branch. I watched it for a few minutes, but as it noticed me it ran away. I decided to follow it. I followed it for several minutes, watching it jump from tree to tree. Every once in a while it would turn around and glare at me, wondering what I was doing in its neck of the woods. I continued to follow it until finally it stopped. It was sitting on a branch that was about eye level to me. I stopped at the edge of the branch and stared at it. It slowly walked towards me until it was inches from my face. We stared into each other’s eyes for an amount of moments that time cannot measure. Our eyes spoke to each other and the squirrel acted as a teacher for me. It taught me how out of touch I was with my body and my surroundings. I saw how comfortable it was jumping from branch to branch in search of food and water. It was living only to nourish itself and survive, but more importantly it was living moment by moment. It was simply addressing its body with its surrounding. This was a squirrel! The little creatures that hang out on the power lines in the city and eat your trash, but I found it in its own environment, not in a man made city where all of the structures are designed to suit human beings while disregarding the nature which surround them. This small, furry squirrel was much more powerful and capable of maintaining a comfortable life than I was in the deep forests that surrounded me. I was humbled.
A few seconds later the squirrel lowered its front feet, turned around, and continued on its search for more food. I didn’t need to follow, and knew that I would be seeing this squirrel again. I ran back to my camp, pulled out my journal and began to write.
I was inspired. It was the first time I felt like my writing was actually meaningful and I took my precious time on what I wrote. I remember writing sentences and then re-reading them over and over, until I was definitely satisfied with what I wrote. About halfway through my passage, I realized what I was writing was some sort of Manifesto for my life. It was my goals, and my visions. It showed my fears, but also my hope. I spent the majority of my time on the solo writing it, and finished it with tears rolling down my cheeks. As I closed my journal, and fresh tears fell on to the cover, I looked around me and noticed that my new squirrel friend was sitting on the corner of my tarp watching me again. I read my journal entry to it, and it stayed and listened. The entry went as follows:
“It’s been seventeen years and I still don’t know anything. Sure I can pass tests, argue points, stand up for my beliefs, but I’m not sure why it all matters. How it all fits into this giant maze. It has been so easy for me to understand theories or calculations, but they never seem to apply to my life. Where do I go? Left? Right? Stay where I am? It all seems the same. I’m stuck in a box. The box has a combination lock to get out, but the combo’s in a different language. I don’t know what’s outside, but I sure as hell know I am not happy here.
I’m beginning to learn that the only thing that truly matters and that I can learn from are my feelings. It’s so much easier to read, or hear another person’s experience, and try to follow their footsteps, but I just end up more lost in the giant maze. On every turn there is an advertisement trying to sell me pills to make me believe that the maze is not real (to numb me from myself). In every library there is a book that explains and gives names to my feelings, and every school is teaching me to fit into this world. This world of someone else’s dreams, someone else’s struggles, someone else’s life (a virtual reality.) “Jump on the band wagon” they say, “we’ll make you happy!” But I know this is bullshit. I know I am socialized to build more walls, and separate myself further away from reality. They’ve started building the walls out of HD televisions so every natural beauty is compared to our favorite films. We are shunned for asking questions, but given disorders for not understanding, like labels on a can of fruit. Our every move is patrolled by surveillance cameras, and computer chips embedded in our cell phones. It’s become illegal to find the end of the maze, but we are too blind to understand this. We’re too blind to understand fear, because the fear was given to us by law. Serial killers are put in jail, but cops are just doing their jobs. We pledge allegiance to the flag without thinking the other side of those stripes and stars is a prison.

But how could this be? Are we willingly building this maze larger? Are we camouflaging the walls with commas in our checkbooks and strip malls for every dead end? We are disconnecting ourselves rapidly, but letting governments justify our actions while scientists sweep up the mess with a new advancement. “Technology will save us!” But technology has deteriorated most of the natural world, and enslaved women and children thousands of miles away.

So what’s at the end of the maze? This is unknown. People fear the unknown and shelter themselves into the status quo, working 9 to 5 to make them feel they achieve something at the end of the day. They hide away in the suburbs and depend on cops to protect them, so they can sleep comfortably at night. They wake up the next morning to a cup of coffee (that was shipped from half the world away) and repeat what they did the day before, and before that. Just another robot working for the giant machine.

I am expected to fit this mold. To just be another droid in the masses, but it just doesn’t feel right. I realize my life would probably be a hell of a lot more comfortable if I did. If I finished high school, then went to college to find a degree that could get me a good job which would make me enough money to support a family and then work day to day until retirement. But this future doesn’t feel right.

I want to find the end of the maze. I want to live the unknown, where life is constantly asking questions, but feeling ok without them being answered. A life of love; love for myself, love for others, and love for the earth. I’ve fallen in love, but love is constantly disregarded by outside perspectives of immaturity and insecurities. I’ve loved myself, but I continue to question whether people love themselves or love their accessories. I want to live a life without fear. Without fear of being alone. Without fear of death. Not in a manner of spending my life searching for some sort of immortality, but forgetting to live in the process. We’ve created some sort of zombie; a zombie that lives off caffeine and a paycheck every couple weeks. I want my life to be simple, a life where all I have is what I need and all the rest is what I make. A life of sharing and cooperation. I want to be happy. Not the kind of happiness that the future holds where machines smaller than the width of our hair are implanted in our brains so our wildest dreams can be given to us through a computer, but true happiness. Nirvana I suppose.

I’m on top of a ladder I have built and can see the maze for what it is. I’ve come to terms with how complicated and long it is, but I must get to the end. I have to take the journey. I know it will take a long time and will be very strenuous, but it’s the life I lead. It’s the life I want, but also fear. I’m used to feeling alone, but I hear the chants of people I love waiting for me at the end. Now all I have to do is start. Godspeed I say, because their will be no turning back.”
I spent the remainder of my solo reading and thinking. I felt like the breakthrough I was looking for happened, but in an unexpected way. I felt as if all of my bottled emotions leaked through my pen as I wrote my journal entry. I cried a lot during the time spent alone, but it felt good. The three days slowly slipped by, and I packed my things up, and waited for my friends to come pick me up. I saw a canoe in the distance and shortly after I was paddling my way back to the base camp, and laughing at the unfamiliar sounds of responses. I hadn’t had anyone respond to me in three days, and it sounded so foreign to communicate in English.
So a few more days passed, filled again with laughter, adventure, and conversation. I went on an escapade around the surrounding lakes and had a few other big adventures, but then it was time to return home.
It is always emotional for me to leave nature. I remember the feeling I felt when I stepped out of the canoe and touched pavement for the first time in ten days. It was a feeling of sadness, but I took a deep breath and boarded the bus for another three-day journey back to Colorado. On the way home I took time to process the trip I had just taken. I cried thinking about how much I had changed. I felt so much more confident as a human, and felt comfortable in any environment I was in. My paranoia had slipped away, and I started to build an imagination again. Above all though, I regained an appreciation for my education. I realized how much of a learning experience the trip had been and was very appreciative that I was given the opportunity to spend ten days in the magical lakes dividing the United States and Canada. I had new ambition to not only return to school, but also create an educational environment that was supportive for me. I didn’t want to run away anymore to find something better; I wanted to create the environment that was suitable for me. I wanted to build relationships with the people around me. I was also very appreciative of the relationship I built with Dave (the teacher) on the trip. It was the first time since Clear Creek that I was able to build a trustworthy relationship with a teacher, and it gave me confidence to open myself up to the rest of the staff.

Above all, I was able to build a new analysis for what education meant to me. I dropped the negativity towards schools and the structure in which they function under, and instead started building intentions for how I was going to stop running away and start creating alternatives. It was an intention to find educational independence, while maintaining healthy relationships with teachers, students and the world around me. This was only the start of these thoughts, but when I returned home I continued this journey to find what the meaning of education is to me. I didn’t know it at the time, but this search for truth through education, has been one of the most meaningful journeys I have ever embarked on.
So I arrived back to Colorado in good spirits and finished the rest of the year without a problem. It was summer time, and the whole world was ahead of me. I was still living happily at Pitchfork, and made plans of spending most of my summer there, committing my time to house projects and the garden. I made a lot of time for myself though, and spent a lot of time alone, pondering and processing the last few years. I constantly had nostalgia and revisited previous summers. I started to recognize a sudden gain of confidence. I felt good. I was happy and comfortable in my skin. I was able to dive deep inside of myself and pull out a lot of emotions, which I had bottled up for years. It was a strenuous process, but I pulled through with strength, and started to appreciate the world around me. Before I knew it, summer was ending and school was going to start again. I felt like a new person. It was almost like I was starting at a new school and for some reason I was excited.

Chapter 9- Back to School!

Senior year! I couldn’t believe it. This is what I was waiting for since the day I stepped into pre-school. It felt surreal, but I had intentions. I wanted to spend my senior year fully immersed within the walls of the school, and overcome my resentment and fear of it. I had plans of being a leader, and building productive relationships with the students and staff. I realized the lack of time I had spent inside of my school, and decided it was time to share what I had learned. I was motivated, and ready to jump into it.
A few weeks before school started, I had a conversation with a graduate from the Open School. We talked about the Open School’s Walkabout Program, which led to a discussion about Indigenous cultures and the issues surrounding them in our society. We both agreed that it was important to educate people about these issues, so together we decided to organize a day of dialogue. We called it Indigenous Day and started organizing and getting different speakers and presenters to do workshops and speeches for our school. We contacted numerous people who worked in groups like the TCD (Transform Columbus Day) Alliance and the American Indian Movement. I thought this was a great way to start the year and worked very hard to make the day a success.
Dragons soared through my ribcage during the month we organized Indigenous Day. It was the first event I organized in a school since the one at Clear Creek, which blew up in my face. I didn’t know what the students’ response would be. I mean, it sounds ridiculous saying that about Open School students, and now looking back on it, I had nothing to be worried about, but the fear was still there. This was a big step for me.
About a month later, the day was held with numerous workshops, presentations, and speakers, who educated the majority of the Open School students about issues surrounding their families and ancestors. The focus was on a protest a month later called Transform Columbus Day, and Indigenous Day worked as a motivation for kids to come out and support the movement to abolish the Columbus Day Parade. I felt it was extremely successful. The workshops and speakers were incredible, and the student response was nothing but positive. I was so happy, and felt like I had finally made a place inside of the school. Throughout the organization process of this event, I started to get to know a lot of the staff, and really admired how supportive they were of the day and also of me. It truly changed my commitment and appreciation for the Open School, and uncovered a path of excitement and productivity inside of its walls.
I started becoming comfortable walking down the hallways of the school. The faces around me were familiar and happy. I felt supported. I started spending more time with the students and built really good friendships in response. I also felt comfortable enough to meet with the teachers and ask for help. Whether it was help with school, or emotional trouble, I was supported and listened to. I am so appreciative for this.
After a couple months of taking classes, and becoming acquainted with the schedule I had, I started to feel a bit uncomfortable with the classes and structure I had put around me. I realized that because of my comfort back inside of a school, I thought that jumping into classes and continuing a somewhat traditional education was a route that would work for me. I thought that the trouble I had with sitting in classrooms was only because I didn’t feel comfortable inside of school, but I learned that that was not the case. I decided to shrink the amount of classes I had, and start to focus on what the meaning of education is in my life. If a classroom doesn’t work, then what does? Experience of course, but I already knew that. I knew that my most productive way of learning was through experience, but my search for meaning was deeper than that. I wanted to know why education was important to me. I realized that I was just sort of thrown into school, because everyone else was, but I never questioned my involvement. What did my participation mean, and why did I struggle in school throughout my whole life?
I gave myself a lot of personal time, and space to consider the questions I was asking myself. More questions began to blossom and I quickly started to not only question the meaning of my participation in educational systems, but also what I had learned. I saw an importance for growth in questioning all I had learned. I realized that a lot of the things I learned inside of school were tossed into my brain without my consent or consideration of what it meant to me. I took this thought to levels I had never thought I would take it, maybe too far at times, but the lessons I have learned because of this are monumental.
The first quarter ended, and I created a flexible schedule. I did decide to teach a class during the second block though. The class was called “ISM’s” and it explored different forms of oppression, and different ways to become aware of it and help stop it. I focused most of the class on identifying privilege so that we can use it productively instead of disregarding it and using it in forms that are oppressive. We explored ideas like gentrification, capitalism, and the mainstream, and how these aspects of our society can be destructive. It was also focused on trying to make a supportive diverse group, which understood and appreciated each other’s differences than apply what they learned into a larger community. The class was about twenty students, and I think it was very successful. I was surprised at the participation in most of the students, and I feel I learned a lot from them.

Chapter 10 – A Life of Resistance = A Resistance Toward Life

The first semester was coming to an end and I couldn’t believe it. I was a little overwhelmed with the thought of graduating, and needed time to process my educational path, and also uncover the path I had started to walk on in search of the meaning in my educational process. I decided a great way to accomplish this was to take a trip by myself. The West Coast sounded appealing, so I saved some money, got a plane ticket to San Francisco, and made plans to hitchhike up to Seattle alone. I felt that being away from my home would pull a lot of realizations and breakthroughs out of me and help me build a better analysis and plan for my future with education. I was pretty sure that my path was not leading to college, but I also knew that my educational journey was not coming to an end. It was more a feeling of a new beginning.
I flew out of Denver the morning of January 10th. I was really nervous but did not know what to expect. I didn’t know what I was going to gain on this trip, if anything. I remember sitting in the Denver Airport waiting for my plane to board, and I looked up to one of the support beams, which stretched across my terminal. Sitting on top of the beams were two lonely birds staring down at me. I thought how out of place they were and wondered what was running through their heads at the time. They both flew away simultaneously with confidence, and floated above the hundreds of hurried travelers, walking along on the moving walkways. I was amazed at the birds’ confidence. They looked so calm and composed, but curious at the environment they some how were stuck in. I thought to myself how wonderful a metaphor those birds were for the trip I was about to embark on.
I landed in San Francisco a few hours later, and walked out of the airport feeling like the birds I saw in the airport. I was a little nervous because San Francisco was the one city I didn’t know anyone in, so I was curious where I was going to stay that night. I walked through the city aimlessly for hours, in search of new friends, and a place to stay, but I had bad luck. I couldn’t find anybody. I started to become frustrated, and worried about what I had gotten myself into. Was I being naïve when I thought I would be able to find my way around the West Coast alone? It started to get late, and I was on the verge of spending money and staying in a hostel, but miraculously I talked to a kid who knew of an info-shop only a couple blocks down the street, and he walked me there, where I found a comfortable and inviting collective to stay at.
I stayed in San Francisco for only three days, but my time there was very enjoyable. I gained confidence in what I was doing there, and prepared myself for my travels up the West Coast. I was anxious to go, so I decided to leave only a few days after I arrived. Coincidentally, in the same house I was staying in, there was a boy named Pollo from Mexico City who was also travelling north to Portland. We quickly decided to team up and go together, and left on a bus in the morning, which brought us out of San Francisco to an on ramp off Highway 101.
The next couple days were spent waiting for rides, sleeping in random places, good conversation, and frustration, but we slowly made our way up Northern California. We decided our next destination would be Arcata, California where we could prepare for camping in the Redwood Forests directly north of town. We slowly made our way there, but finally arrived. The next morning we stuck our thumbs out early and caught a ride straight to the forest. We decided to camp at Goldbluff’s Beach, and were caught off guard by the beauty that surrounded our campsite. Directly in front of us was the ocean, where an hour after we arrived we enjoyed an incredible sunset, and about three hundred yards behind us were the Redwoods resting on top of enormous cliffs. We set up camp, and I decided to go for a walk down the beach where I sat to watch the sunset. As the sun began to sink into the horizon I felt unexpected tears roll down my face. At that moment I knew something was right. I felt as though the disappearing sun had leaked its rays into my heart warming me. I stood and wished the Pacific a good night and a high tide in the morning, then walked back to my tent and went to sleep, excited for the next day because I knew there was a giant forest to explore.
I woke up in a hurry. I felt like it was Christmas and the trees had a giant gift to give me. I ate breakfast fast because of my excitement to explore the forest. I shoved a few apples down my throat with a bit of chunky peanut butter and rinsed my throat with cold water. I started to walk towards the cliff faces and found a trailhead where I was greeted by thousands of enormous Redwoods. They were enchanting and more than inviting. I ran up the trailhead and felt like a little kid again surrounded by trees that woke with the clouds. About a mile in I became overwhelmed with the beauty and magic the forest unveiled. My chest started to tighten and tears started to fall from my eyes. I was enthralled with everything that surrounded me: the bark, the moss, the dirt, the twigs, the worms, the dew, the sun, and the leaves. All that was alive with the forest was watching me with nurturing eyes allowing me to gently walk through their paths and develop an understanding and peace for their environment. They shared their home and their lessons with me through the wind breathing on my face and the mud stuck to my feet. I have never found a school quite like the redwoods.
I hiked a couple miles and found a nice spot to sit down and think. I thought of the years that had passed and my education. I thought of my family and how much I loved them. I thought of the Open School, and how lucky I was to have such a supportive educational environment. I thought of my friends, and Denver, and all the incredible experiences I had been apart of. I thought of nothing but positivity and love, and appreciated the world that I lived in and the people who joined me. It was one of the first times in longer than I could remember that I had a truly positive thought. My tears were filled with excitement for I knew that I had taken a large step from the fear and hate I had been wrapped in for close to three years. My experience at Clear Creek popped in my head, but I let it pass with appreciation for the lessons I had learned in response. I thought of the years that followed that experience, and the anger and hate I was buried in because of it. I felt like I was putting a puzzle together, and realized how destructive the last few years of my life had been. I sure had a path of productivity, but I recognized that most of my work was a reaction to something I hated. Whether it was our governmental system, our educational system, or any other system that impeded on the way I lived, I opposed it with hate, and applied my skills and action accordingly. I realized that my so-called “life of resistance” equated more into “a resistance towards life.” I made a connection with the thoughts towards the things I hated and the thoughts toward myself. It’s hard to admit, but for a long time I hated myself, but covered that hate with a political agenda, or some other distraction toward diving into me and realizing the pain my heart was enduring. My brain had taken my body over, and built a wall around my heart, so all of my action was based off of ideals and theories instead of feelings and love. I promised myself in that forest that I would start the journey towards breaking down the wall around my heart, and building a relationship with my body in which my heart and my brain cooperated with each other. I wanted to have an understanding and an appreciation for my body, and treat it like I loved it. I had a realization about the work I did outside of my body surrounding community and collective living, and realized the importance of making that community inside myself. Basically, I just wanted to love myself. I was sick of my insecurities and that nail of worthlessness that was being driven into my heart. I wanted to take the steps to pry that nail out, and live a life that I felt worth living.
As I walked out of the forest at the end of the day, I returned to my campsite and walked onto the beach to watch the sun set. I sat on the cold sand and as the sun was disappearing behind the horizon I had a realization that the trees have been some of my biggest teachers. When I think about it, some of the most monumental moments in my life were spent in forests. I can go back to my childhood and recognize experiences I had with trees that have shaped me into who I am today. I was sad because of how I disregarded this feeling before, but I promised myself to continue my friendship with the trees and create a schedule in which I could devote time to spend with them.
Sadly the following morning we were forced to move on. We were unaware that we were supposed to pay for camping in the Redwoods, and the forest service kindly left us a warning on our tent saying if we did not pay our fees we would have a court hearing and could spend time in jail! We decided leaving sounded like a better option, so we packed up our gear, decided which trail we would take to hike out, and began to walk to the road. The hike out was less emotional as the day before, but I was still in awe of the beauty that surrounded me, and promised myself to return sometime. We slowly made our way to the road, and then finally our feet touched pavement. I remember how hard it was for me to step off the trail into the nicely aligned parking lot in front of the forest service station. I turned around at the end of the trail, wished the forest a farewell, and then pulled out my map to figure out which route would be the easiest to hitch hike. I was in high spirits, and set intentions for two things: a pot of coffee to fill my thermos, and rides! I walked into the forest service station, and immediately spotted a fresh pot of coffee! I knew this day way was going to go well. So I filled my thermos, ate a few tortillas and beans, and then walked towards the road singing a song I made up for good luck in getting rides. Just before I got to the road I saw a pickup truck coming, so I ran to the edge, stuck my thumb out, and miraculously the truck stopped and gave us a ride a few hundred miles up the road. Boy oh boy, what a day!
The rest of the trip went great. I made my way up to Portland where I spent five days hanging out with friends from Denver who coincidentally were also in Portland. I also spent time seeing friends I had met who travelled through Denver and stayed at my house and bands who I had played shows with months beforehand. I left Portland and made my way up to Olympia, and then Seattle. Pollo stayed in Portland, so I went to Olympia alone, but soon after another friend of mine met me and spent the rest of the trip with me. I spent most my time in these two cities with close friends, enjoying the comfort of free couches, beds and floors to sleep on, and good, cooked food. It was so good being with my friends and also meeting new ones. It was funny because almost everyone I met was somehow connected to me. Whether they new some of my close friends, or had stayed at my house, it seemed like the world I was travelling was smaller than my own city. I liked it.
So three weeks quickly came to an end and it was time to go home. I sat in the Seattle airport thinking about my trip and was a little confused at what exactly I had gained from my travels. There was obvious self-growth, but I was not sure how to explain it. Maybe I didn’t want to explain it and instead let it continue to develop. I was tired of my conclusive behavior and decided not to create an analysis on what my growth meant. I let my growth be growth and kept room for more growth to join my growth. I was overwhelmed coming home because I felt so different than when I had left. I needed a way to express myself so I returned to school, jumped on a computer, and started writing this book.

An Interview with Me: Spoken and then Transcribed
So where am I now? There have been a lot of hard times throughout the last few years, but what have I learned from them? What have I gained?
I have shared my educational story, but now I feel it is time to share what I have gained from it. I will try and portray the lessons I have learned, and the ideas I have towards education. So let me begin with the simple question:

Interviewer: “What does education mean to you?”
Me: “In simplest forms, education is finding who I truly am in any environment. I think where that understanding came from was processing my experience through traditional education systems. In traditional schools it’s all conceptualized thinking. I was given lessons and I had to prove I understood them by articulating it or writing it down through like, tests or homework or you know, papers or whatever. But I was never given the chance to experience it and see if what I was being taught really applied to my life. I really didn’t find much meaning in that. I was lucky enough to find a new environment, a new school that supported experience and through that I really found that experience is important to what education means to me. So another piece of what education means, is creating supportive environments to be able to experience. What’s important to look at with experience though is, experience doesn’t dictate who I am, who I am dictates my experience. So, when I talk about these environments, the environments need to support me revisiting who I am. I constantly have to revisit who I am, because my environments are always changing. I love the idea of educational movement. Educational systems can create curriculums which are so stagnant. They are addressing the world objectively, or in other words, removed from it. True education is within the students involvement and cooperation with the world and its fluidity. Education is life and life is movement. In order to learn about myself I had to realize that the world is moving and changing every moment and how I perceive the world should change also.”
Interviewer: “What problems do you see in educational systems?”
Me: “To best explain the problems I see in educational systems, I have to use a metaphor. So, for this metaphor I portray society as a puzzle and the role of education is to create individuals into puzzle pieces. As individuals, or puzzle pieces, we have to find where we fit into the puzzle and that process can be very competitive. Now the problem with this metaphor is, I’m not a puzzle piece and the world isn’t a puzzle. I truly believe that every individual is unique, so every experience is different and every emotion is personal. So, when I think this, the puzzle doesn’t work, because it creates forced paths that humans have to take to fit into puzzle pieces or boxes. When everyone has to fit into the same boxes, it destroys diversity. When there isn’t diversity the puzzle is maintained because people are a lot easier to control. Now, a huge piece of education is gaining knowledge. When I look at knowledge, it can be a good thing but it also has bad aspects. I think a bad aspect of knowledge is it is taught without the student being given the opportunity to experience the lesson, or gain the knowledge on his or her own. When we take away experience and look back to this idea where every individual is unique, every experience is different and every emotion is personal, how can it be true if everything is being told to us the same way? Everyone is different so how everyone interacts with his or her environment should be different. Obviously this doesn’t apply to subjects that create equations but this is my point, schools focus too much on equations and too little on human development. Also, like I’ve said earlier, the world is constantly and forever changing so the way we interact with it should constantly be reconsidered. This reconsideration creates educational stagnancy. Educational stagnancy is a violent force because it disables humans to critically and passionately address their surroundings. The conclusion is historical repetition. When you stop critically addressing your surroundings it disconnects you from who you really are as an individual living inside a moving world. This creates limited beliefs of what you can do with your life.”
Interviewer: “How can we create more supportive educational environments for ourselves and our planet?”
Me: “We need to focus more on the individuals so that individuals will develop into community oriented beings, not puzzle pieces. I think that when we’re born, we start being socialized, or made into puzzle pieces. That was a big piece of this document, “Am I being educated or socialized?” I think education should speak about who people are internally, rather than externally, or who the student is, not what the student does. like because I’m a boy I should be tough and insensitive, but this belief is a product of socialization. We rush the development of our children by labeling them with different societal expectations, but instead we should allow the individual to find, no, create their internal traits by themselves. So I think that when education starts at an early age it should really focus on who the individuals are rather than what the individual does. It should be an independent curriculum where they can explore life and their likes and their dislikes. They can find what’s right for them, what’s wrong for them, what’s good, what’s bad etc. There should be no right or wrong answers. I think too many times when I was young I was told what I believed in or what I wanted to do was wrong and it really affected me. The teachers role in this should be to create comforting and supportive environments where children feel comfortable to explore the paths in their development. We should celebrate that all answers are different. Especially at a young age, exploring passions and how to excel, you should be different. To compartmentalize everybody in the same educational system and to expect them to take the same paths is ridiculous. So to open that up, it’s a whole world, people can explore it in any way they need to. I think that people are taught that certain feelings aren’t okay and certain ideas aren’t okay, so they don’t explore them. They don’t take them to next levels but I think if we allow freethinking and allow the exploration of physical and mental body, it could be revolutionary. A huge piece of that is creating environments that are safe to look inward. I mean, having a space that’s comfortable for kids to explore who they are and find the limitations of the physical and mental self without the pressure and judgment of others.”
Interviewer: “Who have been your biggest teachers?”
Me: I think from a young age I had a really big connection with nature and it was kind of unexplained. I just felt really comfortable in the woods or in the mountains or you know, on the beach or whatever. But as I grew older I started building an analysis of why I was connected to nature. I think that the trees have been my biggest teacher throughout my life. It’s interesting because they were only a presence, I didn’t speak to the trees, at least verbally, they were just there, but they were watching over me and their presence gave me confidence and support. Every time I’m in the forest I feel confident. More confidence than I do in cities and around people. I also feel really supported. I feel like I’m being hugged. And I think the forest is also a place that I’m not being disturbed or interrupted so I’m able to look inside myself and find answers instead of – I mean, when I’m outside of the forest it’s so external I look on the internet for answers, I ask someone, I read a book. You know? This isn’t necessarily bad. I can pull a lot out of literature but I think that a lot of the most meaningful lessons that I’ve learned and what’s really made me who I am today is looking inside myself and finding it. Environment’s huge with that so, when I go into the forest, I’m in a nurturing environment with this presence, there is a presence, there is someone there and it’s the trees. This presence makes me confident and feel supported and there’s no judgment, so I’m able to flourish. It acts as a subconscious feature. It’s not someone who’s filling my brain with more knowledge it’s just something that’s giving me support.
Interviewer: What is your next educational step?
Me: I don’t really know what the next step will be but I know that a process I want to go through is taking all of the knowledge out of my head. This will be extremely difficult. But I think it’s funny because I’ve been in educational systems for 12 years and now that I’m graduating I’m in this kind of new stage of confusion, but the confusion is really good. It’s kind of like I’ve created this blank canvas, there’s been 12 years of work on this canvas and I’ve painted it and painted it and painted it, but all of the paint mixed together and somehow made white. It’s blank. So what I want to do is take all of that knowledge out and all of those things I’ve learned and really see the world in the raw and then redefine it. I’ve never done that because as soon as I was born, I was given these things to learn and these ideas but they aren’t really my own. So, I really want to pull it all out, which is – I mean, almost impossible. I think that through that process, it will really take away the limited beliefs that I’ve created about the world and also about myself so that I can start living the life that I truly want to live. Now, of course this isn’t for everyone. I’m completely aware of that, all of this stuff isn’t. Some people really excel in the educational systems. I’m different though. Another huge piece that I want to step into now that I’m leaving educational systems is creating a better relationship with my internal and my external self. A really good example of what I’m talking about can be seen in Ernest Hemingway’s short story, The Old Man and The Sea, the relationship that the man has with his body is incredible. When the man is fishing, there’s this part that his left hand cramps up and it’s so unbearable that he can’t fish with it anymore, but instead of becoming frustrated with his left hand cramping, he just recognizes the state his hand was in and then made an understanding for why it cramped, then took action by using his right hand and being more gentle with his left hand. I was blown away by this description of his relationship with his hands and I think that applying that idea to my own body will be very beneficial. But also applying that to the world outside of me, a good way of applying this is in my activism. When I look at my activism before, I was completely overwhelmed with limited beliefs where I hated what I was being active against because I believed it had control over me. I hated our government, or capitalism or ageism or blah, blah, blah. So, my solution was to destroy it, but if I look at the problems instead, recognize the state our world is in, make an understanding for why it’s there, then take action to change it productively where the change is supporting who I am and also the world, my life will run a lot more smoothly.

Appendix:
Passages

Adventure Retroactive Passage: My Journey Through Educational Systems
I floated though numerous ideas to finalize my idea for this Passage. I thought of moving out at sixteen, or going on an exciting trip like the one I took up the west coast, but when I really sat down and thought about it, I realized that the biggest adventure I have ever taken was the one I took through educational systems. I decided to focus this Passage on the healing process I took after my experience at Clear Creek.

The documentation for this Passage is the narrative I wrote above. Writing this narrative was one of the biggest emotional feats I have ever accomplished. Not only did I revisit what happened at Clear Creek and the depression I went through afterward, but also I had to write about it. This document was one of the most truthful pieces of writing I have ever written, and I am very proud of it. Another aspect of this Passage was reading all of the newspaper articles that were written about what happened at Clear Creek and then using them creatively. I used the articles to make the cover of this document. This was very refreshing for me because I was able to return to the anger I held for the text written on the newspapers, but then release that anger creatively.

This Passage was the most meaningful Passage I completed. It pushed me into the deepest and darkest stages of depression I have experienced, but then helped me build a ladder to get out. I truly believe that the narrative above saved my life. It allowed me to release the hatred I held toward educational systems, and myself but then uncovered a pathway to healing. I will always question where I will be most supported educationally, but I am pretty content with where I am now.

Practical Skills Passage: Collective Living

My Practical Skills Passage surrounded my passion for social change and community. I explain in the passage how important I feel community is. I believe community is essential to life in this culture, and sustainable, productive communities are those who create the most change. I used collective living as an outlet for this idea, and took steps in finding a group of friends to pursue this goal.

It took about six months of strenuous meeting before we had a trustworthy group of folks to live with. We went through three spaces before we found a giant house to suit all eleven of us. We named our home The Pitchfork Collective (pitchforks are great tools for agricultural work, and also we lived in an area of the city called five points, hence The Five Pointed Pitchfork) and moved in to immediately start working toward our goals.

Inside of the house we have numerous projects that we believe benefit the communities around us. These projects include Food not Bombs, Food not Borders and Open Door Café (see Unique JCOS Experiences). We also open our house as a meeting place for organizations other than the ones already mentioned above. Some of these organizations include the Kink Tank, a sex positive-sex radical discussion group and numerous event-organizing committees for events like free sales and benefit concerts. We also have a nice art space for musicians to practice and other arts and craft projects can be created. A few of my bands practice here and the space is ideal for creative expression.

The focus of our house surrounds food. We thrive off of the belief that humans have the right to eat and food is an invitational means to get to know someone. We work to feed as many hungry bellies as possible, while also creating a healthy environment for ourselves. We have a giant garden in our back yard, which helps sustain the folks living in our house. We work together to keep the garden alive, and also decide what we want to grow.

One of the most important aspects of our community is creating a safe space. We work towards anti-oppression and try to make our home as inviting as possible. To do this we have standards that we live up to so that everyone feels respected and comfortable. We thrive to make a comfortable and nurturing environment for the community around us, but also ourselves, so we make sure to check in with each other to make sure everyone is feeling ok. We have made this easy for ourselves with a weekly meeting, where we sit down and eat a meal together while checking in and also discussing issues and celebrations we are having in the house. We operate under consensus, so no decisions are made without everyone in the house agreeing.

I have really grown a lot living in this house. I have gained an appreciation for the community that surrounds me, and have gained so much knowledge as to how to communicate respectfully, and how to sustain myself and the community around me in a nurturing and caring manner. I truly feel that what I have learned in this house could not have been taught in a classroom, or portrayed through a presentation, but only given through experience.

Career Passage: Do It Yourself! (DIY) Lifestyle and Music

I was introduced to the Do It Yourself (or DIY) music community when I was fourteen and fell in love with the idea. I found interest in this community because of the independence and enjoyment they strived for with their creative power. It was amazing to see my favorite bands sustaining themselves off of fairly small house shows, and enough food and money to get them to the next city with smiles on their faces and energy to play another show. I feel like this is a great alternative to the “oh so horrific mainstream record labels” who suck creativity out of artists for nothing more than a hefty chunk of money. I quickly decided to focus my musical passion on this idea and surrounded my career passage on applying these ideals to one of my bands, The Fainting Fansies.

Throughout this passage I applied the DIY ideals to my band in many different ways. We wrote and recorded our own music, made our own merchandise (including clothing, patches and CDs) and even booked our own tour. We toured around the Mid-West and stopped in seven different cities. We sold our merchandise for a suggested donation at the shows and with the money that we made we bought gas to continue down the road. We played for crowds as small as 15 people and up to as big as almost 150. During the tour I met with some very influential DIY bands, (like Defiance, Ohio and Rosa) and became good friends with the members. After spending time with these folks I quickly learned that DIY is all about connections and friendships and if it weren’t for their care for our band, our tour would not have been the same.

After the tour we did not slow down. We continued booking shows in and around Denver with local and touring bands. We also started learning how to maintain our band with national recognition and had to create a system of distributing our music nationally. We made connections with a DIY label called Valiant Death, and they put one of our songs on a compilation CD, which was sold on the Internet and in several distribution centers across the country. We also sold our own CD’s, by having people who wanted them send a letter through mail with as much money as they felt the CD was worth. We then would mail them a copy of the CD.

At the end of this passage we took giant steps in the process of touring, and bought our own 50-foot bus which we converted to run on veggie oil. The conversion was a lot of work. We learned the mechanics of diesel engines and installed our own veggie oil system. We were able to take small trips in the bus, but we ended up selling it because of the financial burden it had on our band. Even though we no longer own the bus, the learning experience I had during the time we owned it was extremely beneficial for both this passage and my life.

I concluded this passage, but continued playing with my band and the ideals we worked under. We have become quite successful and continue to love what we are creating.

Logical Inquiry Passage: Education on Community

My Logical Inquiry Passage focused on how to best educate people about community. The idea sparked from a Governance (school assembly) meeting we had about norms and rules, and how they were being broken. I agreed that students weren’t acting respectfully toward our school, but I did not agree with the solution. I saw a quick reaction to instate more rules. My only understanding for this was that community members in our school did not have a very good understanding of what community means. I decided to dedicate my Logical Inquiry Passage on this issue because of my experience through numerous communities and my understanding of how a functioning community looks and runs.

I started to brainstorm on different ways to educate about community. I thought about the process I went through to learn about the Open School’s community, and I remembered how many sheets of paper I read describing what our community was about. I asked myself if these sheets of paper helped me understand the idea of community in the Open School and made the realization that they did not do much. This helped me come up with the idea of making a visual representation of community, and I decided the best way to do that was with the outline of a body.

With the body, I portray students and staff as blood (community members) being able to pick the path they want to take through veins. The veins reach out as far as the arms can stretch, while also passing through the heart (community get together: governance, peace night, etc.), the brain (our curriculum: classes, day of dialogue, trips, etc) and the digestive system (advising: personal and group, consulting, triads). The arms are where our school reaches out with trips and personal travel as well as self-directed curriculum, and the legs are our foundation (self-directedness, Walkabout, Passages, etc.) There are also roads, or arteries, connecting the digestive system, heart, and brain, while also reaching out to about the elbow, which represents inner school activity, while everything else is self-directed activity outside the school. I also represented norms and rules as an anti-biotic, displaying that when a body gets sick you sometimes need to take medication, but if you become dependent on certain medications, your body becomes immune to them, just like communities becoming immune to rules and norms.

Once I finalized my body representation, I gathered a group of about thirty students (ten walkabout, eight LEAP, six pre-walkabout), and had them take a survey and listen to a presentation on my communal body. I gave them a pre-presentation survey of three questions, and then presented the body. I then had a post-presentation survey of three questions.

To wrap the Passage, I graphed the results of the surveys taken and concluded that Open School would benefit from using a visual representation of community to create a better understanding of what community means in our school. I plan to continue to share the communal body with the school and allow the community to use it as a tool for future education.

Global Awareness: Indigenous Issues in the Americas

Because of my interest in the history of Native America and my involvement with different Indigenous actions like Transform Columbus Day, I decided to focus my Global Awareness project on Indigenous issues in the Americas. I started studying these issues since I was in middle school and I quickly developed a dislike for the way our historians have decided to represent the European invasion on the Americas. So, I used this Passage as a way to educate my community on what really happened when Europeans decided to colonize here.

My research paper focused on the justification of European violence and hostility toward Native people because of the idea of civility. My thesis was as follows: The idea of civility has both allowed European explorers to commit genocide while also removing all responsibilities for the actions taken during the European Invasion on the Americas. This can be shown by investigating the steps taken by Europeans in the process of stealing Native land and also forcing the “savage” to become “civil.” It is also seen when studying Christianity, because Christianity dismisses other beliefs by thinking that all humanity is on the same evolutionary path. Most of my research was compiled from books, but I also used the Internet.

Indigenous Day was another huge part of this Passage. I used the organization process as my community service, and the actual day for education of others. The day was a success, and helped pave a path to activism for many of the students who attended.

With the knowledge I gained during this Passage, I will continue to educate others and organize more events like Indigenous Day. I also want to involve elementary schools, and help restructure history lessons to better represent what really happened during the European invasion.

Creativity Passage: Musical Independence

For my creativity passage I focused on my music. This passage started as an exploration in experimental music and then applying what I learned to make my own experimental project, but I slowly started to transform it into musical independence. I started this passage by explaining my musical history and the different bands I was in, but described how I had never played music alone, and had insecurities about it. I started writing solo music on an acoustic guitar and wrote my own lyrics. It took me a while to gain the confidence to share with others, but I ended up playing two shows before wrapping this passage, and I also played at my wrap-up meeting.

Because of this passage, I have gained a sense of musical independence and confidence. I do not need a band to back me up, although I do still love playing music with other people. It is funny, but because of this Passage I have felt a lot more comfortable to explore different ways to play music and I have started a solo experimental project, using a loop station, a guitar, a synthesizer and other pedals. So in the end, I completed my first goal of creating experimental music. It goes to show that Passages never end!



Unique JCOS Experiences

Day of Dialogue 2006:
This year at day of dialogue I decided to present on the importance of adventuring. I named my presentation Adventuring for Revolution, and was very excited to hear people’s thoughts on my ideas. I explained to my group that the time we are living in now is so full of oppressive and negative things, but to try and fight these in a negative way will not cause any change. We must change the world through love. I also explained that being a revolutionary is not necessarily protesting on the streets, you could do this by just having fun. If you can have fun with your life all the time, you will not want to be stuck with a normal job, working your life away; you will be doing what you want. You would no longer just be another number with a bank account, but an individual pursuing your own, personal dreams.

I was very happy to see people’s reactions to this presentation. I was told by two of my fellow students that what I had said was very inspiring. This made me feel very good. I was also excited because there were some adults in the room who did not agree with this and argued back with certain ideas of adventuring. To my surprise, I did not have to hold my position against the ones who disagreed, but the group I was presenting for did. They would jump in and explain why adventuring would be beneficial by using examples I gave them. This felt so great to hear and I knew that what I had told them would stay with them.

Food Not Borders:

Food Not Borders is an unaffiliated organization that gets donated food or money, to make burritos on Wednesday nights and serve them at El Centro Day Labor Center on Thursday morning. The group was made to create a community with the day laborers in Denver and also to raise awareness on their struggle. El Centro was founded after a man was picked up on the street waiting for work, and ended up falling off of the roof at the construction site he was at. He ended up being seriously injured, because the employer who picked him up did not bring him to a hospital, but instead left him to die because he was undocumented. El Centro is a space where the employers must sign for the workers, and guarantee a pay.

I started working with Food not Borders last year, but at the beginning of the school year, I was asked to take over the project. With the help of others, we continued cooking and serving burritos with money we raised. It was very hard this year, because our donor left us, so we were forced to fundraise in order to get money to buy the food needed for the burritos. We had a benefit concert and made enough money to sustain for a while. This group is very important to me, and I plan to continue working with it.

Food Not Bombs:


From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Food Not Bombs is a loose-knit group of independent collectives, serving free vegan and vegetarian food to others. Food Not Bombs' ideology claims that myriad corporate and government priorities are skewed to allow hunger to persist in the midst of abundance. To demonstrate this (and to reduce costs), a large amount of the food served by the group is surplus food that would otherwise go to waste from grocery stores, bakeries and markets.

Food Not Bombs has been present in Denver for a very long time, but it has not been till recently that I got involved. I started cooking Food Not Bombs consistently at a local collective on Saturdays, and quickly learned that the space was having problems keeping the project sustainable in the house hold. We quickly solved the problem by making a plan to switch locations, and start cooking at my house. I bottom lined the preparation, and moved the project to my house.

We cook Food Not Bombs every Saturday at my house and serve food at a park across the city. All of the food is donated from Whole Foods. It is the food that can no longer be sold, so we take it before it is thrown away. The servings are just like a giant picnic and are open to anyone who wants food. We believe that everyone has the right to food, so we make the food easily accessible.

Day of Dialogue 2007:

I did two workshops during Day of Dialogue. My first workshop was on anti-oppression and coming to terms with privilege. I started with an activity where I assigned the group to stand in a straight line. I read a list surrounding privilege and had the class step forward or backward according to their answer (example: If you are male, step forward.) It was really interesting to see the students responses to this activity and it made them focused for the workshop. After the activity I used an article I found called “Where Was the Color in Seattle,” which discusses the mass protest at the World Trade Organization meeting in Seattle. It explains that 95% of the protestors were white and were not very affected by our countries trade agreements. It raised questions as to why there was such an immense amount of white folks at the movement, and whether or not it was effective. This article helped get the workshop moving and gave a good understanding of why we should work at being anti-oppressive while recognizing who we are and not to cross cultural boundaries, but support peoples’ heritages. I feel like the workshop went very well and got people interested in anti-oppression work.

The second workshop I did was on veggie oil systems and how to convert diesel engines to run off of vegetable oil. This was a part of the Energy Workshop class. I explained the benefits of vegetable oil, and how it was economically and ecologically friendly. I made a diagram of how the system works, and talked my listeners through it.

The Pitchfork Collective:

In February 2007 I was a part of the creation of a new collective called the Pitchfork Collective. Ten of my friends got together and shared ideas of ways we could benefit Denver’s community and decided to move into a house together so that our ideas could turn into action. We are renting a house and in it we have numerous community projects that we feel are the most effective ways of helping folks out and promoting change. Food Not Bombs and Food Not Borders are among these projects. Our house focuses our energy on food because of the thought that everyone has the right to be fed, so we just make the food easily accessible. Along with Food Not Bombs and Food Not Borders, we also have an amazing garden, where we are producing enough food for the house mates to sustain off of. We work closely with the other collectives in Denver, and help out with other projects as much as possible. The idea is to make a large community of people with a common goal, so that we can create change, while supporting each other’s needs. It is a perfect environment for me to be in and I am so happy to be a part of it.

Open Door Café:

Open Door Café was a project my house took on in the summer of 2007. It is a donation based café we set up in our back yard where we cook food and the money raised is given to different organizations. We had Open Door open every Sunday morning from 11:00 to 3:00 and would prepare the food the night before. It was set up like a real restaurant with a menu, servers, and tables to sit at. You ordered your meal and were served while hanging out with friends and drinking coffee or juice. All the food was vegetarian and there was also lots of vegan options. We continued this project for the duration of the summer and into the school year until it got too cold. With the money raised we helped benefit projects like Food not Bombs, Food not Borders, Derailer Bicycle Collective and many more.

Indigenous Day 2007:
See Chapter 9

Teaching the ISM’s Class 2nd Quarter 2007:

During the second quarter of 2007 I decided I wanted to teach a class. My excitement of being re-immersed inside of the Open School community was flourishing and I felt that teaching a class would allow my excitement to unravel in a productive way. I made ISM’s the title of the class, and decided to focus on different forms of oppression which are affecting the lives of humans, and how to productively work to eliminate and withhold oppressive behavior. I worked hard to achieve this goal by having the students look inside themselves and recognize the privelege that they have been given because of the status they have in society. I facilitated different activities to help them understand what privelege means and how it can be abused. I was amazed at how diverse the students who attended the class were, but this made it easier for them to learn. I also held lectures and discussions on how different forms of oppression are maintained in our society, and how our system caters to the privelged while pushing the less priveleged away because of things like capatalism, gentrification, the mainstream, NAFTA and more.

I felt like this class was very successful. The evals that the students wrote portrayed an excitement for new knowledge and also a passion for activism. It was a great experience for me to commit to teaching a quarter long class and I am proud of myself for getting through it.



Trips

Winter Wilderness Trip 2006:

Coming into a brand new school by the means of a backpacking trip was something that was totally new to me, and I didn’t really get it. I was really nervous before the Winter Wilderness Trip because I did not know any of the students that were attending and I really didn’t want to go. I packed my gear up and mentally prepared for what I was getting into. The day came and we loaded into some Suburbans and took off.

We arrived at the camping grounds and stayed the night in a cabin that was right by our cars. That night was a real great bonding experience with the group. I felt very accepted by all of the individuals with me, and felt more comfortable around them. The next day we began hiking. We ended hiking to a yurt a few miles away for one night, and then had about a five-mile hike to our next yurt where we stayed for another night. During these hikes I took a lot of solo time, which felt great. It was very rewarding to be able to look at where I was, and experience the beauty in front of me by myself. We had three great nights together, but then it was time to leave. On the ride back it really hit me how much of an amazing time I had. It was truly one of the best experiences of my life.

Winter Hut Trip 2006:

Winter Hut Trip was an amazing trip to go on as my first school trip, because of the bonding experiences I had with the group of twenty students and three teachers. Before the trip I was very nervous. Nothing seemed to be going right for me and I couldn’t find any of my camping gear. Finally I figured out some cross-country skis, and snowshoes I could use, and I left. Our class stayed at a hotel the first night of the trip and then woke very early and started cross-country skiing in the dark. It was such an amazing experience to be in the middle of the woods by only the light of the moon. We skied for a couple hours and then the sun started coming up. It was so beautiful. After the sun came up, we started picking up the pace. We skied for about seven miles on a road, and then put on our snowshoes and began the challenging part. There was a three-mile hike that was uphill the whole way to our hut. We started hiking and were immediately exhausted because of the steep conditions. It took us quite a while to make it to the top, because we had all of our own gear, plus group gear on a sled, but we finally did. I was so impressed on how well our group worked together to get each other and the sleds up the mountain.

Once we made it to the top of the mountain, we found our hut (Skinners Hut). We celebrated our arrival by dancing, but were too exhausted to do much more. We stayed in the hut for a few days and during this time we skied and snowboarded, and also learned avalanche safety, and how to build snow caves. I could not believe how well I bonded with the students and teachers in the hut. I felt so comfortable with them and it seemed like I never was bored. When it was time to leave the hut I was very sad. I wanted to stay there forever because of how much I loved the people I was with and the place I was staying. I was so glad I went on this trip because of the connections I made with the people. It was a great way to get to know people, after joining in at this new school.

Germany Trip 2006:

Earlier this year I was asked to film and edit a promotional video for my brothers ski company Icelantic AT Boards. The video was sent to a panel of judges who worked for the ISPO (the world’s biggest sports convention.) I was very pleased with how the video came out but did not expect that the judges would think much of it. To my surprise, they didn’t only like it, but we actually won. My brother was given the award of the best new winter hardware and was given a free booth at the winter ISPO convention. Because I made the video I was also invited to go.

A few months later we were in Germany. My mom and I decided to travel alone into Salzburg, Austria where we stayed for a couple days. There we explored the city and got a feel for the European culture. I was so amazed at the structures of the buildings and the mountains that surrounded me. It was a little overwhelming, being the first time I had ever traveled outside of the continent, but it felt great. After Salzburg we traveled back to Munich, Germany for the convention. The first day of the convention was very overwhelming. There were thousands of people eager to see the new products from some of the bigger companies, and also have fun. I worked with my brother in his booth and talked to people who were interested. It felt great being referred to as apart of the team, which made me want to help out more. After a couple days of the show it was time for the award ceremony. Here my brother would receive the award for the best new winter hardware, but my video would play too. I sat eagerly for his name to be announced, and noticed how many people were watching the awards ceremony. Finally my brother came on stage and they played my video. I started shaking when the music started but looked at all the people around me. They were bopping their heads and cheering. This was one of the most rewarding experiences I could have asked for. We stayed in Munich for six days, and explored the city. It was beautiful. It was finally time to leave and we got on our plane back to America. I was so honored that I was able to go on this trip, and it felt so rewarding to see my video play in front of a crowd in Germany.

The Fainting Fansies Midwest Tour 2006:

After being with my band, “The Fainting Fansies” for about 6 months, we were ready to reach out into a larger community of listeners. Together we decided that a tour was necessary so planned to take off into the Midwest. We decided we did not want to take too long of a tour because it was our first one, so we planned to stay pretty near Denver. The plan before we left was to take off from Denver to Lincoln, Nebraska. From Lincoln we would go to Kansas City, Missouri, than to Lexington Kentucky. After that we planned to spend a couple days in Nashville, Tennessee, and then up to Bloomington. From Bloomington we would head to Chicago and then back to Omaha, Nebraska for our last show. The route changed on the way and we ended up canceling the shows in Lexington, Chicago, and Omaha, because of economic problems, but it turned out to be a great choice.

Planning this tour was not too difficult. Because of friends we had in all of the cities, it was very easy to set up shows. We mainly played house shows, but we played a couple venues also. We had great turn outs to all of our shows, and got very positive feedback. Before the tour we released a split CD with a band from Nashville that we sold on the way. With the CD’s, other merchandise, and donations, we made about $300 throughout the tour.

The tour turned out to be a great decision. I could not believe how much I grew on the trip both emotionally and spiritually. I really appreciated my music and the places I traveled after getting home. It was an amazing experience to have as a 17-year-old, and really gave me hope for my future plans.



Los Angeles Art and Culture Trip2007:

Los Angeles Art and Culture Trip was a trip surrounding the art scene in Los Angeles. During the class we did a lot of group building and also studied different areas of LA we were going to visit. We were each assigned a project, where we studied a certain location we were visiting, and then shared what we had learned with the class at the location. I studied the Watts Towers and learned about their history, and how they were built. I shared this at the Watts Towers and explained the life of Simon Rodia (the creator) and how he built it.

Once we were in LA, we visited many art galleries, and artistic sites around the city. We went on a graffiti tour with a local artist, Man One, and then went to his art gallery/shop. We also went to concerts, and restaurants to experience the culture. One of my highlights of the trip was when we went to Venice Beach. There I was able to paint on some of the free walls (legal graffiti walls) with paint I had found and caps I bought at Man One’s shop. It felt so good to paint, and even better on the beach in Los Angeles.

Boundary Waters Trip 2007

Boundary Waters is one of the most incredible places I have ever been and I am so glad I was a part of this trip. Before leaving, I was very nervous, and was questioning whether I wanted to go. I was in an unstable emotional place, and did not know if leaving would be the best thing for me.

On the way to Minnesota we took three days to visit places on the way. We stopped and saw the Oregon Trail and then went into the Black Hills and went to the Wind Cave. We arrived in Ely, Minnesota after three days and took off into the water the next morning.
We were put into paddle groups of nine. With these groups we paddled together and shared a camp. We paddled for a day and a half to our base camp where we spent a couple days together, before we had to go on a three-day solo. During this time, I got very close to my group and gained a lot of very good friendships. I also was able to enjoy the beauty that was surrounding me. I loved paddling around and adventuring through the deep forest while drinking water that was directly from the lakes. We saw amazing wildlife, like moose, bald eagles, turtles, beaver, and badgers. After a couple of days together, it was time for our solo. We set off to our solo spots to spend three days alone. This time was very beneficial for me. I totally slowed down my mind, and gained a reconnection with myself. I spent my time journaling and reading, and also taking time to explore the beauty that surrounded me. I really was able to reflect on my life, and expressed myself through writing. I was able to control my mind and think about things clearly without outside distraction. In this time I wrote a manifesto (see Chapter 8) for myself, and am very proud of the outcome.

After the solo we reconnected with our group. It was such an incredible experience communicating with others after three days of talking to myself. We spent the next three days together and paddled out. We processed both our solo and the group during this time, and gained a lot of insight from the individuals in the group. We got off the water after ten days of fun and began our drive home. It was really hard for me to be reunited with civilization, and it took me about a week to get back in the swing of things. I already miss the boundary waters, and plan to revisit them in the near future.

West Coast Trip 2008 (San Francisco to Seattle):
See Chapter 10


Winter Hut Trip 2008:

The 2008 Winter Hut Trip was one of the best Open School trips I took. The trip was a five-day backpacking trip in Aspen, Colorado. Our destination was Margy’s Hut, and the trail to that hut was 6 ½ miles, but on the first day of hiking we looked at our compasses and realized we were going the wrong way. It turned out we took the wrong trailhead and hiked five miles out of the way. We hurried our way back to the busses and went back to a hotel disappointed and also a little nervous of the hike that was ahead of us. We woke up the next morning very early, double checked out maps, and made our way up the trail to Margy’s Hut. The hike was more physically demanding than I imagined. It was not only 6 ½ miles, but it was also all up hill. We slowly made our way through it though, and finally arrived at the hut.

For the next five days we did nothing but play in the snow, learn about avalanche safety, cook food, snowboard, make music, play games, socialize, and sleep. The hut had no electricity, so we cooked all of our food on wood and gas burning stoves, and heated the hut with a fireplace.

I am really proud of myself for the role I took on during this trip. I felt like I pulled out my leadership qualities, but also was able to maintain enough personal time to stay emotionally healthy. I bonded with many of the students on the trip and learned so much from them, but was not afraid to share the knowledge I have assessed. I am really happy with the role that the advisors on this trip gave me. I felt like the relationship we had with each other on the trip was very healthy and productive. I feel we were able to look away from the teacher/student paradigm and instead treat each other as companions. I lead different activities and discussions, which took some of the load off the advisors

One thing I think this trip pulled out of me was an appreciation for the Open School community. I was taken aback by how incredible of an example our trip group was as a functioning and healthy community. We were able to respect each other as individuals, while also working hard at making sure our group felt safe and comfortable. We climbed over physical and emotional mountains together, but at the end of the day were able to sit with each other and communicate how we were feeling, with certainty that there would be a response. The recognition of this has truly changed me both as an Open School community member, but also as a person.

Austin South by Southwest Fainting Fansies Tour 2008:

In March, 2008 The Fainting Fansies were invited to play the South by Southwest festival in Austin, Texas. Because one of my band mates was traveling and had plans of being in Austin at that time, collectively we decided to play the festival. We filled a minivan with our equipment, friends, and the rest of the band and made our way down to Austin. It took about eighteen hours to get to Austin, but once we were there it was nothing but fun for a whole five days.

My band was supposed to play three shows during the five days we were there, but because of scheduling issues we were only able to play one. The one show we played was an all day fest called “Don’t Tell Mom Fest.” It started around 1’Oclock in the afternoon and ended around midnight. We played later in the night, and it ended up being one of the most fun shows I have ever played. The crowd loved us and danced their hearts out. I left Austin exhausted, but excited because of the new friends and fans we made during our time spent at South by Southwest.